Wednesday, June 01, 2016
It was probably almost 5 or more months ago that I started thinking about Amelia again. I was thinking about whether or not I should try to reach out to her for her upcoming 9th birthday - just a card, maybe a copy of the book I made for Willow (a friend's daughter) - but nothing that would really be saying "Hey, I am someone important you should know," ...but within the last month, so much has pulled me from that thought.
For one, I recently discovered that everything originally said about "keeping her safe" and not having her pictures on the internet has been thrown away. She's a model now. She's been pulled into a world of high fashion and being made to feel like she's no longer a little girl but some kind of other female - not quite a woman, but definitely not a young, promising, delicate little girl who needs to be taught the ways of God and not man. She is pretty much being treated as if she is the next rising child star. It sickens me.
It doesn't sicken me because she's so beautiful and that everyone gets to see that. It doesn't sicken me that she's gotten something I never did. It doesn't sicken me that she is so lucky to have gotten the opportunity to have this. No, it sickens me that she doesn't look happy. It sickens me that she probably isn't really as happy as her adoptive mom probably is making her out to be. It sickens me that everything I did want for her - to know God and love Jesus, to follow after Christ, to be raised as a faithful and unselfish girl - is probably all lost and will never happen.
I am deeply saddened by my recent discovery of what has become of my little girl. Ok, she's not mine anymore...not as my very own daughter to raise for God...but she's still a part of me. She's every bit a part of me as she may be of the family that adopted her. I don't want to believe any different, and I don't want to lose hope of maybe meeting her one day in the future. But, I am not going to sit here and act like that day will be something sweet. I realize that I can pray for her every day, but ultimately it's up to God whether or not she turns out to be every bit like me and not like her adoptive mom. It's God's will that stands, not mine. I had grown weary in the past trying to hold onto her, trying to hold onto the hope that I could be a big influence in her life. It wasn't possible; no matter what I do for her, she will always count her adoptive family greater than me so long as she knows nothing true about me. That's the other reason I don't look to the future with a dream that it will be sweet; she had probably already heard every lie they could come up with about me, to paint me as an ugly and distasteful lady. I have probably been given the title of "The girl who abandoned you" to her, if not some other more disgusting thing. I was reminded of their ill words to me before she was even born, when I was a young and troubled girl looking for love in the wrong place, they called me "Jezebel"...probably the farthest thing from what I really was back then. I never did deny that I made wrong choices back then, but to call me a wicked woman like that, I surely hope they answer to God for that and every other mean-spirited thing they've said and done to me.
There were more reasons not to reach out to Amelia this year, even through the difficulty of being reminded of her, because they are reasons becoming more real to me than her. One of the reasons is that I recently met Eric, my boyfriend now, who seems to be the closest thing to what I want in a man to grow old with. We have both been careful to not say "I love you" yet, and I think we are both thinking that it's better not to express our feelings like that because we've both been through some bad relationships in the past. He's not perfect, and I knew that the first time we started talking just in email. It's been a month since our first date, and although we have grown so comfortable with each other and enjoy each other's company, it's also been more apparent that I truly need to decide whether or not I can commit to him - an imperfect, sinful person - just like me. We haven't had any big disagreements, we haven't had any arguments, but we have had misunderstandings and I've gotten my feelings hurt once, but we worked it out. The biggest thing I have thought about though, just over night really, is that I'm not sure whether or not we are going too fast. In all the excitement of finding someone who finally "gets me" who I can call my "friend" and possibly even "best friend" - I see our flaws surfacing and think that there might be doubts about whether he's the right one. I have doubted if he's the right one, actually. I have thought to myself more than a few times, "What if I'm ruining my chances of ever being with someone better because I'm with him," or "What if God had someone in my church already for me, and now I'll never know," - but a part of reality tells me that even if that was the case, the likelihood of ever making it past friendship with a man in my church is 98% impossible. It would take years probably to cultivate anything with anyone beyond friendship, and with Eric, things just aren't that difficult. I really want this relationship with him to work out, and I know I can't do it alone - we both can't do it on our own - we need God's help to make this last.
Here I am, days before Amelia's 9th birthday, with a life ahead of me that I was borderline doubting would ever happen. I can't hang on to the past if I'm going to go forward. I mean, I can still think about Amelia from time to time, and I can pray for her, but I can't dwell on the past and I can't dream about the future possibilities with her either. Instead, this year, I am going to be thinking about my future with Eric on her birthday; we are planning to have lunch or dinner with my family - it will be the first time Eric meets my parents - and I am pretty nervous. I am nervous because I wonder if it's too early for him meeting my family, and also if my family will scare him off. I am slightly nervous whether my parents will even agree to have lunch/dinner with us. I really don't know. But I do know this much: wherever Amelia is, whatever she's doing for her birthday, she'll be just as happy without me there or thinking of her than if I was. She never knew me, after all.
Posted at 05:45 am by Taterhead
Tuesday, September 01, 2015
I completely forgot about this blog.
It's been well over 7 years since I last seen Amelia. I had gone back to college, got so involved with that life to the point that I think I used it to forget all the troubles I had with getting past her. I needed to move on with my life, not because I wanted to forget her, yet in a way I almost did. I remember during college - and I was only there for about 2 years - her birthday had come and I nearly forgotten that it was her birthday. My connection with her adoptive parents didn't go the way I thought it would; while I was in college, it seemed that they did everything they could to keep me away from her. This was even before I started going to college again, actually, but I noticed it more when I actually tried to reach out to her.
I felt guilty to the point of confusion. Guilty because I didn't know if I was being selfish for pursuing a career (which never happened). Guilty because I felt as if I was to blame for her not knowing me really. Guilty because I wasn't visiting or being a part of her life in any way. But then I realized, the more I tried to recompense for that guilt, that it was the family she was now a part of that was keeping her from me. There was a point when I emailed them asking to see her just as the original agreement was, and they emailed me back somewhat out of spite saying that "things change" and that I'm being unreasonable, and that it's not my place to be saying anything. I was angry. I felt betrayed. I gave up.
I gave up trying to see her. I gave up trying to be in her life. I stopped going to their church some time while I was in college. I made a point to stop talking to them in general because I think the main reason I ever talked to them still was because of her...because I wanted to see her and be with her, and that was the only way. I noticed throughout the college years they never bothered to talk to me really; it wasn't until one day out of the blue I saw the adoptive father at my work and he said his wife got me some colored pencils (for school). Aside from that, towards the end of my schooling I got a couple random emails asking to connect on social network sites. In real life, I may have gone to a couple church events and seen them and Amelia - but that was only once or twice in an entire 3 years approximately.
The last time I heard from the family was a couple years ago. I moved out of state and somehow or another they found out; I think through people from church who were still on my friends list in social networking site. They asked me for my address, but I didn't respond. I had talked to others about my situation with them - my elders in church, friends who knew about my situation and also a couple who have adopted a child themselves - and it seemed pretty clear that what was best for me and them was that I not try to do anything that could somehow come against me (considering that they changed the rules over the visiting in past). Perhaps it was against better judgment, but since I moved out of state my church resources have become a lot less helpful in regards to counsel. I ended up deleting a lot of people from the family's church who were on my social networking site who didn't communicate with me ever; I also blocked that family because when I had let them be friends of mine it seemed that I was just being watched and the connection had nothing to do with actually staying in touch.
I have not done anything to reach out to them, though the thought about letting them at least have my address had been considered, and at this point in my life I would rather just leave things to God in respects to how the opportunity might come one day to be "reunited" with Amelia. I can't push anything, and I think that it would be traumatic to suddenly just appear in her life when she doesn't even know me.
I am, essentially, a stranger to my daughter.
Posted at 10:11 pm by Taterhead
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
i just felt totally blessed to see one comment here and one member of the birthmom4christ community at Livejournal. Probably the same person, but it makes me so glad, because I want to hear about others like myself as they walk this journey out.
because it's really late, i'm just going to have to refer you to the livejournal! it's public, so you don't have to join to read, but i am going to have to depart from this one because i rarely sign on to internet as it is, and keeping up on two journals about the same thing is too much now with work and all ^_^
so here it is: Birthmom4Christ
Posted at 01:22 am by Taterhead
Saturday, September 15, 2007
last i saw her was last sunday. she's around 11 pounds. she's grown a lot since the last time i saw her before that. she's 3 months and 11 days now. i wonder when i'll see her again... God tells me she'll be in my life, so I am not so sad that I would never see her again.
Posted at 02:13 am by Taterhead
Thursday, April 12, 2007
For the sake of our well-being
I decided to start this and another journal (community - if none already made) for my journey through life as the restored Christian birth mother of a baby girl due in July this year.
This is for every Christian (and maybe not) birth mother who has decided to do the ultimate sacrifice: give up her baby to another family who is not so fortunate to have children of their own.
This Saturday it's been scheduled for me to sign my baby girl away to a family that took me in to their home when I had nowhere else to go. Despite what most people have told me, in the church and outside of, God wants me to surrender EVERYTHING before He will work in my life the way I asked. EVERYTHING includes the precious baby girl in my womb that has spent the last 6 months growing into what she is now. EVERYTHING includes this baby girl that turns and kicks inside of me and both fills me with joy and fills me with a feeling of pain for what I'm going through.
Despite what you may be thinking at this point, the decision has already been made that my baby girl is going to this family that has never been able to have a girl of their own.
Despite what you may be thinking at this point, I will continue this story of how God has worked in my life through this difficult time, and how I will overcome the human nature of this world that constantly tries to pull me back from being at peace with this difficult decision.
I hope that this online journal will provide inspiration and peace to any other birth mothers out there who are going through the same thing as me, or may be deciding what is best for the baby.
Posted at 02:06 pm by Taterhead